Things…I LOVE things. My seashells and rocks give me joy at remembering my different adventures. Clothes are fun and pretty, but shoes have been my Achilles heel (pun intended) for many years. Art from places I go, Starbucks “Been There” coffee cups, “treasures” from antique and thrift stores. Can never have too many fluffy throw blankets, and outdoor decorations and lights. Fortunately for me, the big ticket items have not been my thing.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that my things are not me. Our things are NOT us. It is easy, especially when feeling low, or not confident, or if something crappy has happened, to use “shopping therapy” to bring that quick emotional boost. When all is said and done, having too many things can actually be harmful to personal growth, and to feeling satisfied with who we are as individuals.

Some questions to ponder: What really is the purpose of having so much stuff? And how can reducing our dependence on these things lead to a healthier mindset, more happiness, and less attachment? There are ways to reduce clutter, and you have probably heard of Marie Kondo, the decluttering expert. She has amazing strategies and philosophies tied to the magic of decluttering.

I read the book too, and was so excited to get started. I DID consolidate my seasonal stuff, and got rid of very old, neglected things, ie, my wedding plate set (from a 1989 marriage that lasted only a couple of years). Gone too, books that I had not read, and one’s that I actually did read, but would never read again, especially after over 20 years of them sitting on the shelf. Clothes, so many clothes that I kept as they were beautiful hand me down designer items from my sisters. Towels, rugs, cups, and candles, some of the top items shared with the thrift store, with the hopes that they make someone else’s life better. Importantly too, hoping that the items themselves, as Kondo says, can fulfill their purpose.

IDENTIFYING THE PURPOSE OF THINGS

In short, I am not against stuff. However, things can have a negative impact on our spiritual and emotional wellness by the multifaceted way that they crowd us out of ourselves, experiences, and relationships. The first thing to do toward reducing negatives tied to things is to understand your own relationship with your things, and what purpose they have in your life.

Try This: Ask yourself, on a scale of one to five (one is you are totally ok to let things go – five, means you want to keep every little thing and get more).

• How important are things to you?
• Do you hold onto things because you are sad to let them go?
• Do you have them because you think they may have value down the line, or to someone else?
• Are you afraid if you do not get the newest and best that you will not be relevant to your peers, friends, the world?

Ponder your responses. If you see that you do hold onto things (higher scores), it may be harder for you to let go; for others, it may be much easier to say bon voyage to “stuff.”

Now, create a short list to help you identify what will allow you to let something go. For example, for me, I sometimes keep the instruction books or boxes for appliances. I can find everything on line now a days…so if it is a paper documentation tied to the item I bought, I will let that go, it is not very useful.

Another example is the bone china, beautiful cups for tea that my Mother handed down to me (some from her Mother). There are a few things that helped me identify how I would let them go. The practical factors or usefulness of them to me. I do not drink tea; I do not have storage room for them; they have sat on the back of the high shelf in the cup cupboard for twenty-something years. Not useful. The emotional factors that allow me to let them go are a little harder to justify. I mean, these are from the FAMILY. What let me let them go was one of my sisters was happy to take them. Would I have gotten rid of them if she had not taken them? I am not 100 percent sure. So, make your list of helpful tips on your relevant letting go factors.

HOW DOES REDUCING STUFF HELP CREATE HAPPINESS

It is not the things…it is our attachment to them that causes imbalance and anxiety at the thought of not having (or acquiring) them. Said in another way, we think that having things makes us happy and thinking about not having things, might make us upset. If you really think about it, things can crowd out our spiritual and emotional wellness without us even noticing… in many ways. First, and perhaps most obvious, is the sheer volume of mass that starts surrounding us and clutters up our physical space.

Imagine if you will, my shoes in the closet (to be fair, I have recently eliminated over 20 pairs). They are not fancy, and do not have to be Jimmy Cho (or some other amazing shoe artist), and many of them are super cool shoes that my cousin gave me. I had beautiful heals that I could not wear because my old feet can not handle them. When my daughter was little, I would pay her two dollars to organize my shoes. The point is, the sheer volume, no matter how beautiful, caused me to wince when I had to find a pair that I actually wanted to wear. If you have one of those shoe closets that is the size of a bedroom, that does not exempt you from the clutter outcomes, you just have more volume you are dealing with. Think too, as you begin to declutter, how amazing it would be for you to give some of your beautiful items, say to women at a shelter looking to start their new lives; or useful tools and handy items to those who do not have anything? I always say, a house (or apartment, room, mobile home, mansion- whatever you live in), is like a gym bag, courier bag, or purse. Whatever the size – we will just fill it up! If you are a minimalist and are able to just say “no” to stuff – great for you. You probably feel an amazing sense of freedom.

But what IS stuff? and how can it impact our wellness? This is where it gets a little deep. Stick with me though. Stuff is really just a bunch of molecules floating around. It LOOKS like things because that is our point of reference. But really, if you break it down, there is nothing of substance, and that nothing, is exactly what will be left at the end of your life. In a nutshell, if you are on your death bed, and all you have is stuff, it will not probably not matter or make dying easier as would say, having love, memories of adventure and kindness and good relations. Basically, what will matter, is how you spend your time and energy because that is what creates the lasting imprints. I told you it would get a bit deep.

Try this: Imagine yourself on your death bed…now think deeply… who (living or dead) would you want to have around you? What, if anything, would you want to have around you? If you could not think of the who, it would be useful to reflect on your relationships.

Other ways that having attachment to stuff can hinder happiness and joy:

• The thrill does not last. Getting the new tool in the mail may feel great, but out of sight, out of mind, and then you just need to purchase another one.
• Spending money on stuff may limit the money that you have to do kind things for others, or travel, or donate to worthy causes. Perhaps it even gets you in a heap of debt, which has its own issues.
• Like I said, the stuff is not you. For example, that wonderful Tesla, may be good for the environment (a positive in your goodness bank account), but you are not the car, the car is not you. You have to create your personal value by how you act in the world.

WHAT TO DO TO GET RID OF THINGS AND INCREASE YOUR VALUE

There are a number of books and videos that can help you declutter, try one. Another strategy, which I have tried is each day, for a set period of days (like a month), consciously get rid of three things per day. These can be things that you might throw out (say old directions to something you do not even have any longer), or items that you might donate, or things that are a little harder because they may have an emotional attachment component. Getting rid of three things a day may not seem significant, but it will help you get in the habit of reducing things in your space; let you see how much stuff you might have that you may not even use (how many clothes do you have with tags still on? Shoes that do not quite fit right?); and help if you ever move, or if someone else has to go through your things. Further, you can be proud of your self discipline and dedication as you do the process.

Basically, you can feel better about yourself by getting rid of things because you can focus more on how you want to be in the world, have less worry if your stuff is up to date, and you can choose to be generous with your old stuff and the extra money you have from not spending.

This was written by Melanie Purdy for CatPoopPie. Feel free to use, link, or distribute this information. A link to CatPoopPie and attribution would be much appreciated. Please use the product links too, if you want to purchase anything.

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This is a beautiful sentiment, full of power and loaded with meaning. It sounds so easy – just desire others to be happy, and the WORLD will be a happy place. Easier said than done. The thing is, wanting others we love to be happy is easy – but wanting those we do not love, or whom we really do not like, or those who are mean…is hard. The statement about desiring oneself to be happy does not mean we should not seek happiness, it means we should seek it through giving, versus getting.

Developing compassion is one of the most important tools to wanting others to be happy. Love, a relation to compassion, is an important element in living a meaningful, kind life; however, there are so many variations of the meaning and the expression of love, that it makes it difficult to have that as the “benchmark” of willing happiness everywhere.

In this, I will discuss the components of compassion and its benefits; look at what self-love has to do with one’s ability to be compassionate; and will present a few ideas for developing compassion.

Courageous Compassion

Compassion is a concept that we are not taught growing up in American culture. Maybe these days, where people are learning about emotional intelligence and interdependence in school, it might be more common. The idea of compassionate living has been around for thousands of years. Compassion means being conscious of the suffering of others, and wanting to help. Adding to that, and using the Buddhist premise of compassion, I define Courageous Compassion to mean three things: first, you wake up and go to sleep each day with the intention to be your best in and for the world; second, you approach and interact with others with the understanding that we are interconnected – we all are humans doing the best that we can; and third, you commit to wanting to help others have less suffering, and more joy. It takes courage to commit to these things, hence, the name.

Where it gets tricky is with applying it to ALL beings. In a nutshell, Courageous Compassion is understanding our interconnectedness so we are intent on helping others to be happy and have less suffering, and it is loving yourself so that you can do this, no matter who (or what) you are helping. I know that I am not even close to living this ideal. That is ok. The point is to GROW your compassion, not to be perfect. Even though few of us will likely attain “perfection,” there are many benefits to setting intentions and living compassionately each day. These include:

• Less fear of being in the world
• More open minded and hearted
• Positive outcomes and good will created wherever you are
• Less anxiety and more joy
• Movement through hard times faster and more effectively

Further, if everyone were to adopt this approach we would have a happy, joyful world. Here is an example of how it can help. During the period of great loss that I experienced recently, I started studying how to be more loving, kind, and compassionate. Sure, before, I was generally a pretty kind person, but I had definite flaws when, for example, I was tired, hungry, when driving, when under a lot of stress, seeing people behave meanly toward other people or animals, pressed or pushed (this still gets me – I am trying!)…etc. My philosophy was to be compassionate, and this is what I taught my daughter too. The problem was, it was conditional on the things I just mentioned.

During this last year, I have had many dramatic changes, one of which has been somewhat lightened by my trying to be courageously compassionate, specifically focusing on the part where we are all connected, and we are all the same. Using compassion has allowed me to see that I am not the only one in the world suffering deep loss, allowing me to feel love toward others in the same boat. Conversely, I absorb and deeply appreciate all the compassion from so many amazing strangers and friends, easing my suffering (a little).

What you can do

There are three simple things to train or advance your Courageous Compassion. They sound simple, but, with busy lives, so much negativity in the world, and probably very little spare time to dedicate to mindful thinking and actions (being intentionally aware of what you are thinking and doing, and making them the only thing that you are engaged with), it can be a hard. So the first challenge is this.

1) Avoid negative thoughts and actions.

“That jerk just cut me off.” That is a negative thought. “Oh, that person is in such a hurry, I hope that they are ok and nothing has happened.” That is a positive reframe. That is what we want to be doing ALL THE TIME. Did I mention, I am not expert at doing this all the time? Yes, I keep trying.

Another example. Someone walks into a store, room, school…and they, based on normal western cultural social norms, appear to be in mismatched clothes that are a bit too big, and rumpled. One may think, “That person has no style.” Or “What a loser, you can not even get clothes that fit.” These are negative. A positive mental reframe, based on compassion (that we all are the same, we want happiness for all) might be “That person is being creative, and is doing the best they can.” It does take intent to recognize the negative thought in the moment, and an active effort to reframe it positively. It does become the norm with practice.

Try This: Think about your own way of being in the world, and identify three areas that you know you tend to be negative or mean. Preemptively, write a few positive reframes that you can practice, so when your peeves come up, you can have a positive reframe handy.

2) Cultivate your own kindness.

Again, easier said than done. I am pretty good at being kind to the people and pets I love and care for, but for Courageous Compassion, it means being kind (in thought and action) to people or creatures that we do not like, too.

Try This: Think of how you show kindness, and write down your ways. Here are some examples. Do you leave sweet notes for people, give to the shelter, have mostly positive thoughts about people first (and avoiding judgement or criticism)? Are you able to sincerely apologize and take responsibility for your actions in conflict? How easily can you forgive and/or forget injustice or meanness that has happened to you?

There are a gazillion ways to be kind. Make your list of how you are kind in easy times and then, like above, think of what you can do when the going gets rough. When you truly have angst about someone or something, what can you think that is different (and neutral or kind) versus mean and nasty. Also identify what can you do that is different so that you have a positive feeling and can be proud of how you handled the situation.

3) Find and execute opportunities in every day life where you can be of benefit to others.

Being of benefit to others does not mean that you give away your power or your sense of self. If you are benefiting others by giving things or kindness, it is best if this is because you want to give and not because you are forced into it, or have it have conditions. For example, if you are being bullied into doing something, or coerced, or you want something in return, that is different than compassionate giving.

Being of benefit to others may come from giving loving kindness thoughts. This is a sincere, focused, blast of positive thoughts such as, “May you be free from suffering, have peace and joy, be happy, and be healthy.” I envision myself shooting the positive wish out to people. Like cultivating kindness, there are many ways to be of benefit to others. Here are a few ideas:

• Say something nice to someone whom you do not know.
• Give Q-Kits to those less fortunate. Q-Kits are packets named for my daughter that my friends and I give to people who may be seeking money, food, etc on street corners or in front of stores. The kits are easily made from supplies in the dollar store, and have food, water and hygiene supplies. We pack them in a gallon bag, and have a Q-Kit resource list printed on a card. I include five dollars too.
• Volunteer to help through formalized organizations.
• Do random acts of kindness. For example, give someone you know a ride to a location if they normally take the bus.
• Kid or pet sit for a friend to give them a few hours of quiet.
• Please at the animal shelter or do community clean up.
• Be environmentally aware and pick up trash if you see it, or use products that are sustainable.
• Get groceries or a snack for someone in need.
• Demonstrate your support for underrepresented people.
• Are something new about groups or organizations that you are not familiar with.

Being of benefit to others and the world allows you to do good, which makes your environment more positive, while helping someone else feel valued. This in turn can help you feel good about yourself, which perpetuates you wanting to give back more. It is a kindness circle!

What does Self-Love have to do with it?

Here I am not talking about being egotistical, arrogant, self-absorbed, or any of that. This self love has to do with feeling GENERALLY positive about yourself, forgiving to yourself, and having the ability to look in the mirror and say “I’m good! I’ve got this.” Or something like that. It includes humility. The point is, if you are putting yourself down, feeling defensive, disliking the way you look, sound, are in the world, it is very difficult to open your heart and be compassionate to others.

Additionally, if you can love yourself, it makes your world much easier to navigate. Think about it. If you can wake up and move through the day without self-criticism or putting yourself down, there IS more room to see the beauty, to be grateful, and to give more energy to the welfare of others.

Try This – Think of the kindest person that you know. That person who is confident, yet humble, and willing to give the benefit of the doubt to others, and yet, is able to stand up for what is right in a compassionate way. Now imagine that you are like them, and that others are like them. Having this vision can help us make positive intentions and actions.

Other things to try:

Each day, for 30 days, contract with yourself that you will be compassionate to yourself, for example, if you mess something up or say something mean, you will fix what you can, and forgive yourself the error. AND, that you will say something kind to at least one person per day.

Practice catching yourself if you are thinking negative or unkind things about others. Taking it a step further, correct the thought and create a positive/kind reframe.

Think of your strengths, and come up with your own ideas on what you can think, feel, or do that will allow you to have more compassionate outcomes.

Do not forget to log your successes so you can celebrate them and yourself, smoothing the path for more Courageous Compassion.

This was written by Melanie Purdy for CatPoopPie. Feel free to use, link, or distribute this information. A link to CatPoopPie and attribution would be much appreciated. Please use the product links too, if you want to purchase anything.

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Seeds of Happiness

Suffering sucks. No one wants to suffer, and yet, it is one of the main things we all have in common. No matter how awesome your life, no matter how rich or poor, how many friends you have…you will have pain, which often includes suffering. The funny thing about suffering is that we actually manufacture quite a lot of it in our minds, or perpetuate it by the way that we are thinking about whatever the situation. You may doubt that anyone would intentionally make their pain worse. I agree. We do not intentionally say “oh, please let me suffer more.” If we are saying that to ourselves, or that maybe “we deserve to suffer,” it demonstrates my point! This thinking happens because we have been taught to think that way, and it can make the pain much worse. If we look deeply into this, when we are suffering, we focus ON the suffering, perpetuating and elongating the difficulties. Or, as mentioned, we may be telling ourselves things that make us believe that the suffering is necessary. Why do we do this? Because we have not been taught NOT to do it.

Here is an example… Let us say you are under a lot of pressure at work or in school with a boss or teacher who is negative to and about you. There is likely emotional distress that can be directly attributed to the pressure and negative attitude. This is the actual pain of the situation. What makes it worse is the additional mental notes we make in our brain, such as “The boss hates me because I am not doing the job well,” or “I am a lousy, lazy student.” Maybe things like, “I will probably lose this job, then what am I going to do? I need the income,” or “I am going to flunk this class and not graduate,” come to mind. It is these additional thoughts that add suffering to the pain.

Some say that you need the hard to enjoy the easy, pain makes the joy sweeter, etc… I do not completely buy that. In this world, we see and, probably have enough negatives in our lives, to have a solid comparison point to happy and joy without having to add suffering into the mix. Having said that, the question becomes, why does suffering seem to be a part of being human, and part of growing? Is it possible to have suffering AND happiness and joy, all at the same time?

In this, I will address some types of pain and then identify ways to think about your thinking to allow you to use a simple tool to calm your mind so you can focus on healing and learning from the pain, while choosing to reduce the suffering. It is really important to think about your thinking first (metacognition); to identify techniques that can help shift the thinking; practice using them so you are ready for the “big” things; and then learn how to make meaning of the pain for growth and happiness.

Diving Deeper – What To Do

You may be thinking that I am full of crap (with regard to the idea that we create more suffering through our thinking). I am not saying that we will be free of pain – we definitely have to address and move through it when it comes. Suffering though, can be managed and rectified in a meaningful way if we choose a mindset that allows us to practice off-setting it with things that are positive.

I am certainly NOT saying avoid, hide from, stuff, or ignore when painful things happen. Actually, a big part of healing is facing the pain straight up. If you avoid pain (you know your methods), this is my first challenge to you – start a journal where you identify things that are painful to you, because if you do not acknowledge them, you have a hard time fixing them. It is like if there is a wobbly table. You can ignore it (and it will continue to wobble), or you can look closely at what is off, and fix it. If pain and suffering are not addressed, we miss the huge opportunity to grow and become wise and happy by working our way through it with love and interdependence.

In the example above, the painful facts to think about are: it is hurtful and stressful to be picked on and to have job instability or lack of trust for your teacher. It is not a fact that you are no good; that you are hated; or that you will lose your job/fail out of school. The positive thoughts to focus on to help mitigate SUFFERING might be your strong work ethic (this can counter thoughts tied to believing that you are not good enough), the friends that you have at work/school who support you and also feel the same about the boss/teacher, and time off to change the scenery and give you a fresh perspective. Finally, what is the meaning you can derive from the situation? Do you need to find a new career path or new classroom/school? Perhaps you can look at boundary setting or communication methods that can help you express yourself clearly and assertively in these difficult situations, and in life.

Suffering: Blah or Ahh

“The most beautiful people we have know are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.”

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Pain and suffering come in many forms. All you probably have to do is think about your own life. No matter how young or old you are, you can discover some pain and/or suffering you have had or are experiencing. For example, breaking a body part; losing a pet; having someone be unkind, or being unkind to someone; breaking up with a friend or partner (or being broken up with); discrimination, racism or sexism; emotional distress; not making a goal that you set.

More specifically, there are two distinct types of pain: physical pain leading to physical suffering (something in or with your body); and (OK, this may be more like three additional areas) spiritual, emotional, and mental pain. I jumble these into one because they are so interconnected. For that matter, physical pain and resulting suffering, can also tie into these areas. There is a saying: “Pain is inevitable; Suffering is optional.”

Physical pain equals stuff that hurts in or on your body. My personal physical pain has, thankfully, been limited at this point, meaning that I do not have any chronic pain issues. I know many brave warriors who live daily with things like chronic back pain; cancer; migraines; diabetes; arthritis…you get the picture.

Spiritual, emotional, and mental suffering can take SO many forms: heartbreak, loss of an important object, death of a loved one, natural disaster, mental illness, spiritual crisis, mental or emotional abuse, bullying…DEPRESSING! The good news is, we as humans have a great capacity for suffering, and even better, we have so much power in our hands (minds). This power allows us to use our suffering to grow and to develop a growth mindset that helps us create a positive, peaceful foundation so that when suffering comes along, BOOM, we are ready to take it on and transition through it so as to have a HAPPY and JOYFUL existence. How? You might be asking. Here is one method to try.

Exploring Using Seeds of Happiness as an Antidote to Suffering

“All of us have seeds of happiness in us, and in difficult moments, when we are sick or when we are dying, there should be a friend sitting with us to help us touch the seeds of happiness within.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

The idea of helping each other touch the seeds of happiness that reside somewhere in all of us is a beautiful notion. But we also need to be able to touch our OWN seeds of happiness when we are in difficult situations. Discovering ways to do this is great to do BEFORE suffering overtakes us. It prepares us to help someone else, or even help ourselves, navigate the suffering. Here is one way to help others find those nuggets of happiness that they may need.

Case Example: Your close friend just had a break up of a romantic relationship/partnership. They are so sad, hurt, and suffering. Here is one thing you can do. First, as with any painful situation, it is really good to acknowledge the pain, keeping your opinions to yourself. In this case, maybe you do not agree with their feelings about the break up – you did not like their partner so you think it is good, or you think they made a bad choice in initiating the break up, etc… Keep THAT to yourself. You can tell them how you are sad that they are so sad, that break ups ARE very difficult, etc. Be compassionate.

When you feel the time is appropriate, one way to start touching the seeds of happiness might be to just start in with “Do you remember when…” and then identify some of the many areas of their life that you remember where they were kind and caring. For example… “Do you remember when …

• You helped that kitten that was covered in bugs, dirt, and alone?
• You brought soup and food to me when I was sick?
• You choose to go to the gathering of a less popular friend so that they would feel valued and loved?

Reminiscing about the good things that the person has done may not make the suffering at the loss go away, but it can help remind them of their good and positive traits. Other situations where this can work is when the person feels crappy about themself or is out of balance emotionally, spiritually, or mentally.

Touching Your Own Seeds of Happiness

Finding your own seeds of happiness can be really hard when you are in pain. At first, like with your friend, you want to acknowledge the emotions, and maybe process them with a journal or a friend. If you are ever feeling like you will kill yourself, REACH OUT. There are resources like the 24 hour national crisis line at 1-800-273-8255 and 988. It does take strength and courage to reach out, but it is well worth the effort. Also, what I have learned is that happy and sad can co-exist and if we only stay with the sad, healing and joy are hard to find. With this in mind, finding happy thoughts and experiences, even when feeling sad or hurt can help restore some balance and reduce the difficult emotions and suffering.

TRY THIS (You may want to get a paper or use your notes in your phone to write these thoughts down, and allow yourself time to do this).

Think of a time when you felt angry, sad, or frustrated. Think deeply about it and see it in your mind – then write it down in detail. Identify the place, the person or situation involved, and the event that happened. What were some of the smells, sights, and sounds? What were the feelings you had, how did they manifest in your body. How long did the negative emotions and sensations last? Be clear and detailed. Be honest.

Next, take a deep breath, and then think of a time that brought you great happiness, peace, or joy. Identify the scene of where it happened, who or what was involved, how the environment felt and looked. What were some of the sounds, smells, and sights? What were the feelings you had, and how did they manifest in your body. How did you keep, cherish, or share these positive emotions? Again, be clear and detailed. Write down the colors, images, and impressions tied to the event.

Now think deeply. Reflect on how identifying and focusing on the negative situation and emotions recreated the negatives. How intense were they for you? What impact does the remembering have on you now? What about while focusing and reflecting on the happy or positive event and emotions? How did it allow you to shift from the yuck to the yeah? Was the shift big? How is your being happy, joyful, or peaceful impacting you in the moment? If a shift did not happen for you – try it again at a different time, and practice until you are able to make the negative neutral or positive.

We DO have the power to harness our store of happiness by reflecting deeply and carefully on events that bring us joy. Does it take practice and intent? Yes. Is it helpful to journal or log these positives somewhere? Yes. Sharing the details of happy events is also a great way to tap into your healing powers. Please feel free to share your positive input or thoughts about this, or your tips to move through suffering.

This was written by Melanie Purdy for CatPoopPie. Feel free to use, link, or distribute this information. A link to CatPoopPie and attribution would be much appreciated. Please use the product links too, if you want to purchase anything.

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