Seeds of Happiness
Suffering sucks. No one wants to suffer, and yet, it is one of the main things we all have in common. No matter how awesome your life, no matter how rich or poor, how many friends you have…you will have pain, which often includes suffering. The funny thing about suffering is that we actually manufacture quite a lot of it in our minds, or perpetuate it by the way that we are thinking about whatever the situation. You may doubt that anyone would intentionally make their pain worse. I agree. We do not intentionally say “oh, please let me suffer more.” If we are saying that to ourselves, or that maybe “we deserve to suffer,” it demonstrates my point! This thinking happens because we have been taught to think that way, and it can make the pain much worse. If we look deeply into this, when we are suffering, we focus ON the suffering, perpetuating and elongating the difficulties. Or, as mentioned, we may be telling ourselves things that make us believe that the suffering is necessary. Why do we do this? Because we have not been taught NOT to do it.
Here is an example… Let us say you are under a lot of pressure at work or in school with a boss or teacher who is negative to and about you. There is likely emotional distress that can be directly attributed to the pressure and negative attitude. This is the actual pain of the situation. What makes it worse is the additional mental notes we make in our brain, such as “The boss hates me because I am not doing the job well,” or “I am a lousy, lazy student.” Maybe things like, “I will probably lose this job, then what am I going to do? I need the income,” or “I am going to flunk this class and not graduate,” come to mind. It is these additional thoughts that add suffering to the pain.
Some say that you need the hard to enjoy the easy, pain makes the joy sweeter, etc… I do not completely buy that. In this world, we see and, probably have enough negatives in our lives, to have a solid comparison point to happy and joy without having to add suffering into the mix. Having said that, the question becomes, why does suffering seem to be a part of being human, and part of growing? Is it possible to have suffering AND happiness and joy, all at the same time?
In this, I will address some types of pain and then identify ways to think about your thinking to allow you to use a simple tool to calm your mind so you can focus on healing and learning from the pain, while choosing to reduce the suffering. It is really important to think about your thinking first (metacognition); to identify techniques that can help shift the thinking; practice using them so you are ready for the “big” things; and then learn how to make meaning of the pain for growth and happiness.
Diving Deeper – What To Do
You may be thinking that I am full of crap (with regard to the idea that we create more suffering through our thinking). I am not saying that we will be free of pain – we definitely have to address and move through it when it comes. Suffering though, can be managed and rectified in a meaningful way if we choose a mindset that allows us to practice off-setting it with things that are positive.
I am certainly NOT saying avoid, hide from, stuff, or ignore when painful things happen. Actually, a big part of healing is facing the pain straight up. If you avoid pain (you know your methods), this is my first challenge to you – start a journal where you identify things that are painful to you, because if you do not acknowledge them, you have a hard time fixing them. It is like if there is a wobbly table. You can ignore it (and it will continue to wobble), or you can look closely at what is off, and fix it. If pain and suffering are not addressed, we miss the huge opportunity to grow and become wise and happy by working our way through it with love and interdependence.
In the example above, the painful facts to think about are: it is hurtful and stressful to be picked on and to have job instability or lack of trust for your teacher. It is not a fact that you are no good; that you are hated; or that you will lose your job/fail out of school. The positive thoughts to focus on to help mitigate SUFFERING might be your strong work ethic (this can counter thoughts tied to believing that you are not good enough), the friends that you have at work/school who support you and also feel the same about the boss/teacher, and time off to change the scenery and give you a fresh perspective. Finally, what is the meaning you can derive from the situation? Do you need to find a new career path or new classroom/school? Perhaps you can look at boundary setting or communication methods that can help you express yourself clearly and assertively in these difficult situations, and in life.
Suffering: Blah or Ahh
“The most beautiful people we have know are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.”
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Pain and suffering come in many forms. All you probably have to do is think about your own life. No matter how young or old you are, you can discover some pain and/or suffering you have had or are experiencing. For example, breaking a body part; losing a pet; having someone be unkind, or being unkind to someone; breaking up with a friend or partner (or being broken up with); discrimination, racism or sexism; emotional distress; not making a goal that you set.
More specifically, there are two distinct types of pain: physical pain leading to physical suffering (something in or with your body); and (OK, this may be more like three additional areas) spiritual, emotional, and mental pain. I jumble these into one because they are so interconnected. For that matter, physical pain and resulting suffering, can also tie into these areas. There is a saying: “Pain is inevitable; Suffering is optional.”
Physical pain equals stuff that hurts in or on your body. My personal physical pain has, thankfully, been limited at this point, meaning that I do not have any chronic pain issues. I know many brave warriors who live daily with things like chronic back pain; cancer; migraines; diabetes; arthritis…you get the picture.
Spiritual, emotional, and mental suffering can take SO many forms: heartbreak, loss of an important object, death of a loved one, natural disaster, mental illness, spiritual crisis, mental or emotional abuse, bullying…DEPRESSING! The good news is, we as humans have a great capacity for suffering, and even better, we have so much power in our hands (minds). This power allows us to use our suffering to grow and to develop a growth mindset that helps us create a positive, peaceful foundation so that when suffering comes along, BOOM, we are ready to take it on and transition through it so as to have a HAPPY and JOYFUL existence. How? You might be asking. Here is one method to try.
Exploring Using Seeds of Happiness as an Antidote to Suffering
“All of us have seeds of happiness in us, and in difficult moments, when we are sick or when we are dying, there should be a friend sitting with us to help us touch the seeds of happiness within.”
Thich Nhat Hanh
The idea of helping each other touch the seeds of happiness that reside somewhere in all of us is a beautiful notion. But we also need to be able to touch our OWN seeds of happiness when we are in difficult situations. Discovering ways to do this is great to do BEFORE suffering overtakes us. It prepares us to help someone else, or even help ourselves, navigate the suffering. Here is one way to help others find those nuggets of happiness that they may need.
Case Example: Your close friend just had a break up of a romantic relationship/partnership. They are so sad, hurt, and suffering. Here is one thing you can do. First, as with any painful situation, it is really good to acknowledge the pain, keeping your opinions to yourself. In this case, maybe you do not agree with their feelings about the break up – you did not like their partner so you think it is good, or you think they made a bad choice in initiating the break up, etc… Keep THAT to yourself. You can tell them how you are sad that they are so sad, that break ups ARE very difficult, etc. Be compassionate.
When you feel the time is appropriate, one way to start touching the seeds of happiness might be to just start in with “Do you remember when…” and then identify some of the many areas of their life that you remember where they were kind and caring. For example… “Do you remember when …
- You helped that kitten that was covered in bugs, dirt, and alone?
- You brought soup and food to me when I was sick?
- You choose to go to the gathering of a less popular friend so that they would feel valued and loved?
Reminiscing about the good things that the person has done may not make the suffering at the loss go away, but it can help remind them of their good and positive traits. Other situations where this can work is when the person feels crappy about themself or is out of balance emotionally, spiritually, or mentally.
Touching Your Own Seeds of Happiness
Finding your own seeds of happiness can be really hard when you are in pain. At first, like with your friend, you want to acknowledge the emotions, and maybe process them with a journal or a friend. If you are ever feeling like you will kill yourself, REACH OUT. There are resources like the 24 hour national crisis line at 1-800-273-8255 and 988. It does take strength and courage to reach out, but it is well worth the effort. Also, what I have learned is that happy and sad can co-exist and if we only stay with the sad, healing and joy are hard to find. With this in mind, finding happy thoughts and experiences, even when feeling sad or hurt can help restore some balance and reduce the difficult emotions and suffering.
TRY THIS (You may want to get a paper or use your notes in your phone to write these thoughts down, and allow yourself time to do this).
Think of a time when you felt angry, sad, or frustrated. Think deeply about it and see it in your mind – then write it down in detail. Identify the place, the person or situation involved, and the event that happened. What were some of the smells, sights, and sounds? What were the feelings you had, how did they manifest in your body. How long did the negative emotions and sensations last? Be clear and detailed. Be honest.
Next, take a deep breath, and then think of a time that brought you great happiness, peace, or joy. Identify the scene of where it happened, who or what was involved, how the environment felt and looked. What were some of the sounds, smells, and sights? What were the feelings you had, and how did they manifest in your body. How did you keep, cherish, or share these positive emotions? Again, be clear and detailed. Write down the colors, images, and impressions tied to the event.
Now think deeply. Reflect on how identifying and focusing on the negative situation and emotions recreated the negatives. How intense were they for you? What impact does the remembering have on you now? What about while focusing and reflecting on the happy or positive event and emotions? How did it allow you to shift from the yuck to the yeah? Was the shift big? How is your being happy, joyful, or peaceful impacting you in the moment? If a shift did not happen for you – try it again at a different time, and practice until you are able to make the negative neutral or positive.
We DO have the power to harness our store of happiness by reflecting deeply and carefully on events that bring us joy. Does it take practice and intent? Yes. Is it helpful to journal or log these positives somewhere? Yes. Sharing the details of happy events is also a great way to tap into your healing powers. Please feel free to share your positive input or thoughts about this, or your tips to move through suffering.
This was written by Melanie Purdy for CatPoopPie. Feel free to use, link, or distribute this information. A link to CatPoopPie and attribution would be much appreciated. Please use the product links too, if you want to purchase anything.
