This is a beautiful sentiment, full of power and loaded with meaning. It sounds so easy – just desire others to be happy, and the WORLD will be a happy place. Easier said than done. The thing is, wanting others we love to be happy is easy – but wanting those we do not love, or whom we really do not like, or those who are mean…is hard. The statement about desiring oneself to be happy does not mean we should not seek happiness, it means we should seek it through giving, versus getting.

Developing compassion is one of the most important tools to wanting others to be happy. Love, a relation to compassion, is an important element in living a meaningful, kind life; however, there are so many variations of the meaning and the expression of love, that it makes it difficult to have that as the “benchmark” of willing happiness everywhere.

In this, I will discuss the components of compassion and its benefits; look at what self-love has to do with one’s ability to be compassionate; and will present a few ideas for developing compassion.

Courageous Compassion

Compassion is a concept that we are not taught growing up in American culture. Maybe these days, where people are learning about emotional intelligence and interdependence in school, it might be more common. The idea of compassionate living has been around for thousands of years. Compassion means being conscious of the suffering of others, and wanting to help. Adding to that, and using the Buddhist premise of compassion, I define Courageous Compassion to mean three things: first, you wake up and go to sleep each day with the intention to be your best in and for the world; second, you approach and interact with others with the understanding that we are interconnected – we all are humans doing the best that we can; and third, you commit to wanting to help others have less suffering, and more joy. It takes courage to commit to these things, hence, the name.

Where it gets tricky is with applying it to ALL beings. In a nutshell, Courageous Compassion is understanding our interconnectedness so we are intent on helping others to be happy and have less suffering, and it is loving yourself so that you can do this, no matter who (or what) you are helping. I know that I am not even close to living this ideal. That is ok. The point is to GROW your compassion, not to be perfect. Even though few of us will likely attain “perfection,” there are many benefits to setting intentions and living compassionately each day. These include:

• Less fear of being in the world
• More open minded and hearted
• Positive outcomes and good will created wherever you are
• Less anxiety and more joy
• Movement through hard times faster and more effectively

Further, if everyone were to adopt this approach we would have a happy, joyful world. Here is an example of how it can help. During the period of great loss that I experienced recently, I started studying how to be more loving, kind, and compassionate. Sure, before, I was generally a pretty kind person, but I had definite flaws when, for example, I was tired, hungry, when driving, when under a lot of stress, seeing people behave meanly toward other people or animals, pressed or pushed (this still gets me – I am trying!)…etc. My philosophy was to be compassionate, and this is what I taught my daughter too. The problem was, it was conditional on the things I just mentioned.

During this last year, I have had many dramatic changes, one of which has been somewhat lightened by my trying to be courageously compassionate, specifically focusing on the part where we are all connected, and we are all the same. Using compassion has allowed me to see that I am not the only one in the world suffering deep loss, allowing me to feel love toward others in the same boat. Conversely, I absorb and deeply appreciate all the compassion from so many amazing strangers and friends, easing my suffering (a little).

What you can do

There are three simple things to train or advance your Courageous Compassion. They sound simple, but, with busy lives, so much negativity in the world, and probably very little spare time to dedicate to mindful thinking and actions (being intentionally aware of what you are thinking and doing, and making them the only thing that you are engaged with), it can be a hard. So the first challenge is this.

1) Avoid negative thoughts and actions.

“That jerk just cut me off.” That is a negative thought. “Oh, that person is in such a hurry, I hope that they are ok and nothing has happened.” That is a positive reframe. That is what we want to be doing ALL THE TIME. Did I mention, I am not expert at doing this all the time? Yes, I keep trying.

Another example. Someone walks into a store, room, school…and they, based on normal western cultural social norms, appear to be in mismatched clothes that are a bit too big, and rumpled. One may think, “That person has no style.” Or “What a loser, you can not even get clothes that fit.” These are negative. A positive mental reframe, based on compassion (that we all are the same, we want happiness for all) might be “That person is being creative, and is doing the best they can.” It does take intent to recognize the negative thought in the moment, and an active effort to reframe it positively. It does become the norm with practice.

Try This: Think about your own way of being in the world, and identify three areas that you know you tend to be negative or mean. Preemptively, write a few positive reframes that you can practice, so when your peeves come up, you can have a positive reframe handy.

2) Cultivate your own kindness.

Again, easier said than done. I am pretty good at being kind to the people and pets I love and care for, but for Courageous Compassion, it means being kind (in thought and action) to people or creatures that we do not like, too.

Try This: Think of how you show kindness, and write down your ways. Here are some examples. Do you leave sweet notes for people, give to the shelter, have mostly positive thoughts about people first (and avoiding judgement or criticism)? Are you able to sincerely apologize and take responsibility for your actions in conflict? How easily can you forgive and/or forget injustice or meanness that has happened to you?

There are a gazillion ways to be kind. Make your list of how you are kind in easy times and then, like above, think of what you can do when the going gets rough. When you truly have angst about someone or something, what can you think that is different (and neutral or kind) versus mean and nasty. Also identify what can you do that is different so that you have a positive feeling and can be proud of how you handled the situation.

3) Find and execute opportunities in every day life where you can be of benefit to others.

Being of benefit to others does not mean that you give away your power or your sense of self. If you are benefiting others by giving things or kindness, it is best if this is because you want to give and not because you are forced into it, or have it have conditions. For example, if you are being bullied into doing something, or coerced, or you want something in return, that is different than compassionate giving.

Being of benefit to others may come from giving loving kindness thoughts. This is a sincere, focused, blast of positive thoughts such as, “May you be free from suffering, have peace and joy, be happy, and be healthy.” I envision myself shooting the positive wish out to people. Like cultivating kindness, there are many ways to be of benefit to others. Here are a few ideas:

• Say something nice to someone whom you do not know.
• Give Q-Kits to those less fortunate. Q-Kits are packets named for my daughter that my friends and I give to people who may be seeking money, food, etc on street corners or in front of stores. The kits are easily made from supplies in the dollar store, and have food, water and hygiene supplies. We pack them in a gallon bag, and have a Q-Kit resource list printed on a card. I include five dollars too.
• Volunteer to help through formalized organizations.
• Do random acts of kindness. For example, give someone you know a ride to a location if they normally take the bus.
• Kid or pet sit for a friend to give them a few hours of quiet.
• Please at the animal shelter or do community clean up.
• Be environmentally aware and pick up trash if you see it, or use products that are sustainable.
• Get groceries or a snack for someone in need.
• Demonstrate your support for underrepresented people.
• Are something new about groups or organizations that you are not familiar with.

Being of benefit to others and the world allows you to do good, which makes your environment more positive, while helping someone else feel valued. This in turn can help you feel good about yourself, which perpetuates you wanting to give back more. It is a kindness circle!

What does Self-Love have to do with it?

Here I am not talking about being egotistical, arrogant, self-absorbed, or any of that. This self love has to do with feeling GENERALLY positive about yourself, forgiving to yourself, and having the ability to look in the mirror and say “I’m good! I’ve got this.” Or something like that. It includes humility. The point is, if you are putting yourself down, feeling defensive, disliking the way you look, sound, are in the world, it is very difficult to open your heart and be compassionate to others.

Additionally, if you can love yourself, it makes your world much easier to navigate. Think about it. If you can wake up and move through the day without self-criticism or putting yourself down, there IS more room to see the beauty, to be grateful, and to give more energy to the welfare of others.

Try This – Think of the kindest person that you know. That person who is confident, yet humble, and willing to give the benefit of the doubt to others, and yet, is able to stand up for what is right in a compassionate way. Now imagine that you are like them, and that others are like them. Having this vision can help us make positive intentions and actions.

Other things to try:

Each day, for 30 days, contract with yourself that you will be compassionate to yourself, for example, if you mess something up or say something mean, you will fix what you can, and forgive yourself the error. AND, that you will say something kind to at least one person per day.

Practice catching yourself if you are thinking negative or unkind things about others. Taking it a step further, correct the thought and create a positive/kind reframe.

Think of your strengths, and come up with your own ideas on what you can think, feel, or do that will allow you to have more compassionate outcomes.

Do not forget to log your successes so you can celebrate them and yourself, smoothing the path for more Courageous Compassion.

This was written by Melanie Purdy for CatPoopPie. Feel free to use, link, or distribute this information. A link to CatPoopPie and attribution would be much appreciated. Please use the product links too, if you want to purchase anything.

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